Friday, December 25, 2009

Reflections

It's been a rough, horrible year for me. Yes, I can honestly say that without malice and without negativity. It is merely fact. The good rough part has been the opportunity to spend time with some of my bio family and get to know them - warts and all. I divorced one of my sisters this year who has done nothing but be hateful to me. That broke my heart, but now I am much happier. I have three other wonderful sisters, so it was a fantastic trade-off for me. Sadly, I am reeling from the destruction caused by my previous sister. But if nothing else she has made me be more honest if less positive.

I have learned that no matter how smart and experienced and talented I am, there are small minded people in the world. It was this that led me back home to people who absolutely love me and who have given me more joy and belonging than I've ever known in my life. In finding this place, I have learned that it is not always about how strong or passionate or happy I am. My surroundings are a huge part of what keeps me balanced. Surrounded in love, I am full of love; surrounded by poverty of joy, I fight to stay joyous. I have chosen to be surrounded in love, to be surrounded by loving and giving people. In this there is symbiosis of love. That is amazingly beautiful, freeing, and caring.

This year has brought about a mirror in front of my face that says "you don't allow romance and love in your life" and I have taken steps to amend that. It is working. I have hope and finally believe I am worthy to be loved for who I am and for the goodness that is me rather than having to beg for the crumbs of what looks like love. I have borne witness to a love that was forty years in the making, and which is new every day, by being in the home of two people who love deeply and who are absolutely devoted to each other. They hold hands, wrinkled skin and liver spots, but still they hold hands as they walk down the street. And they argue as all couples do. And that no longer scares me. They have taught me through their behavior that disagreement is loving when conducted in a loving manner.

This year has been one of humility with work being nigh to impossible for me and so many of my friends. I've watched as we have gone from hopeful to devastated - emotionally, financially - and then become creative in our ability to make life work. We have found inner wells of passion and compassion to keep on keeping on. That is some seriously good lesson living right there.

And finally this year I have learned to be a taker. I have learned that after 40 years of giving, I am just about out of give. I have ended dry, brittle friendships and allowed myself to be taken care of. I have accepted the goodness that comes my way and have let go of those that would just take without conscience, those who would steal my spirit and wonder, insisting that I continue in peace. I have fought for my little sapling of love to grow, and it is. I have found my own authority to trust myself and to run my life in a way I have never done before. I have found people who give freely and who receive freely. In this kind of relationship, I have learned that love does not keep score. It also is not lopsided.

Thank you my good friends who give and who take, who have creativity and devotion to life, to those who prop me up and who let me prop them up. Even those horrible people who have taught me that life will slap me in the face if I surround myself with those people, I thank. And finally I thank those who created this me, this wonderful person who is becoming so much. I have learned that I am pretty darned fabulous... and worthy. That was a long time coming.

Blessings and joy to you all,
sunshine

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Holiday Mornings







It’s dark here, early morning. There are ribbons of light just beginning to streak across the sky heralding a new day. A new day. Yes, that is what it is. A new day, a new dawning.

I sit under the Christmas tree, hot cup of coffee next to me, a bowl of oatmeal warming my hands. The tree is covered in love, each ornament carefully selected to express a fond memory, a place, an experience, a person that warms the heart. It is my aunt and uncle’s tree. Such a life they’ve lived! Each one married to another and then finding themselves alone, seeking out their old high school flame. And now forty years later they are closing in on ten years together. It is such a joy to bear witness to their love.

We decorated the tree together, they and I. The fireplace glowing and the Jimmy Stewart classic, It’s a Wonderful Life, whispering from the television. They have told me the story of each ornament – the bells from their wedding, the replica castle form one of their cruises, the John Deere tractors that bring such joy to my uncle, the teddy bears that call to my aunt. Kokopelli, a man surfing on a dolphin, the cardinal airplane, the snow people sexing it up – they are all there. And the white twinkly lights to bring focus to each one.

I think of how I would have missed that night if I’d gone away. I think of all the magic that has happened in my life in the last few weeks. Here in this house, I have found a home. I can eat what I want, I can turn music on that I like, I can do my laundry or cook a meal. I am accepted here, and the love they have for me has made me a part of their family. I belong.

And that, my dear friends, is the true miracle of this holiday season of light and warmth. The complete acceptance of people who love and trust your heart. I have never felt this way before. It is like being able to relax and to breathe deeply. I do not have to pretend to be happy. I am happy. I do not have to search inside to be caring. I do care. I don’t have to like walking the dogs, but I do like it. In this house, I am free to be who I am. And that is wonderful, that is freeing. I am me, completely, when I am here.

Thank you, dear Aunt Fab and Uncle Kindness. Thank you for your love.

Happy holidays everyone! May you too experience the miracle of love.