Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I am a fat woman

I'm having a bit of a rough time these days.

I've been losing weight like a fiend - 18.6 kilos so far.  (40.9 pounds)...  I put comparison pictures down below to remind myself of what's what.  I'm so different.  One is from after a loss of about 16 kilos.  Now I weigh only about ten pounds more than I did in college.  I'm getting my figure back.  I'm crossing my legs comfortably, My face is now oblong instead of round.  My girdles (yep I used to wear them) slide on like shorts.  I've gone down 4 sizes in clothes.

And yet...

And yet...

In the last few weeks, I've been told the following things (paraphrased for clarity):

Don't come to X - I'm embarrassed to be seen with you because you are fat and old.
Korean people hate fat people - we think you are terrible and stupid.
You are lazy.  I know because you are fat.
You will never be beautiful - you are a fat woman.
I'm embarrassed when people see me with you, but I endure because you are so smart, and you help me.
People think bad things about me if I am friends with you because you are ugly.
I don't care if you look normal in America or in South America, you live here.

Maybe folks were saying this to me before, and I didn't hear it... or maybe they are saying it to me now because I'm not as big as a whale anymore.  Either way, it looks like I've never been welcome here and people are finally telling me... or maybe I'm finally hearing what they have been saying all along. For whatever reason, today it hurts.

Well, I never was one to stay where I'm not wanted...

Do I think I'm perfect?  Nope.  Do I think I'm gorgeous?  Nope.  Do I think I'm finished with caring for my body?  Nope.  What I do think, though, is this: I'm exceedingly grateful for the hypothyroid medicine that puts me finally in sync with what regular people have as their normal, day-to-day experiences.  I'm exceedingly grateful to have found a personal trainer who kicks my butt and doesn't let up.  I'm exceedingly grateful that G*d has put the sensuality of dance in my life, joy from riding a bike, the confidence I get when I lift weights, and a great love for running up that hill in the forest. 

And while you - all of you that have said the things above - may be embarrassed and unwelcoming and prejudiced against me, there's not much to say to you.  I don't feel like fighting you.  I don't feel like proving myself to you.  In the end, the only thing I have to say to you is this:

You are a bigot.

1 comment:

  1. I cannot fathom hearing someone say those things to a person. You are a beautiful person!!